I don't really like talking about too personal topics on this site, as everyone can see it and judge it, those who really know me close and know me from the past, know I struggle with dissociative identity disorder. For those not aware of what it means

“Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly called multiple personality disorder, is a mental health condition marked by the presence of two or more distinct personality states or identities. These identities take control of behaviour accompanied by significant memory gaps beyond normal forgetfulness, often stemming from severe childhood trauma.”

This is a very simple explanation, as D.I.D goes beyond the personalties. However, TikTok and the internet have reduced it to such. Many don't know about the personal struggles a host can go through, and many who know me know I have been struggling with finding a footing myself as who I am beyond the fractured state of my mind. I have been fighting often to find myself in each fragment as a person, trying to pick the pieces up to feel whole even if I will never be whole even after therapy. If someone found a way to magically cure and merge us all into one, the fight to be “Me” Would never stop as I was robbed of the time of where I could make sense of who I am. It sounds cheesy, of course I know who I am, I know who I am bodily, and I know it is me who is writing this, but the question is… 

Who is me truly? It is a question many would not ask themselves, because they know who they are truly, it is something I will always envy, because what would life beyond the garage be like? What would it be like to be a single car instead of however many my brain holds? Because the worst thing is, I will never truly know the extent of my fracture. What if there is so much more than I could comprehend? What lays beyond the garage that my brain has built? It is always those what if questions that keep me awake at night to think about the damage done to me. 

DID is not the only thing I fight with. I personally don't want to make this all too long, as I want people to read this and feel grateful for the fact they are whole. Even if the reader might hate themselves, I hope they know even I wish to be in their shoes of having a sense of singularity. Of course this reads like me despising DID, I want to say I love each of my “Brain Mechanics”. They have been there in the worst moments, they have been keeping me safe, and been there to take over whenever things got too worse, I think I would not have made it if they weren't. 

But yeah, I don't want to go on here for too long. Point is that I am on a path of still finding myself, I don't know where it leads me, but where ever it does, it will be the right.